Dear Ms Foojan,
I was searching in google for `moshkelate bad az ezdevaj`and I found this forum.
I am 23 years old girl, basicly from Afghanistan but born in Iran. I live in the Netherlands for 11 years now and have never been in AFG.
I have married an Iranian man (28) for 1 year now. Before marrige we had a secret relationship of 4 years. Our problems started since the day we got engaged and both our families got involved in our relationship. On one hand we have this cultural diffrences and on the other hand our own personal diffrences. I am so stucked with all this issues. I feel like my life only consist of problems and stress, feel like I just cant go on like this!
Based on everything happend during our engagement and after marrige my husbent is having very bad feelings about my family. ( Saying problems I mean our cultural diffrences and etc. however I should say that it has been partly my own fault from the begining. As I was very young without any lifeexperience I made some mistakes which caused pain and sorrow for both families. )
Now he does not want us to have close contact, as well as phone call as visiting us or them. We are having fights every single day. Specially each time one of my family members call us or decide to visit us. or the opposite, if we decide to visit them. Its like he is keeping all this anger feelings in his hart and doesnt want to let it go. I should add that I have a very good relation with his family, they all love me and as they dont have a daughter, they see and treat me like their own daughter. Also my parents love my husbent very much, but unfortunately he doesnt feel like this.
My husbent always thinks I am choosing the side of my family, which I dont! I just try to convince him that I can not choose between them.
He's been the first man in my life, I really love him and dont want to lose him or our marrige. I really could use your professional advice on how to solve this problems and get rid of this stress which is making me crazy.
Thank you in advance
posted by jazz_artemis on:
06/01/10
Is my relationship serious?
Dear MS Foojan Zeine,
I am German (25years old), but living in Sweden.
I would be so happy to get your professional advice as well as your cultural understanding as a Persian to help me understand if my relationship is going somewhere - I do not now anymore what to do.
My boyfriend Reza is Iranian (29years old, came to Sweden one and a half years ago) and we are together for more than a year now.
With me he has his first deeper going relationship that he experiences.
As I read in the forums, he must be a stereotypical persian man: he is very caring, understanding, extremely closed, proud and intellectual.
The relationship is great, lots of work, patience and understanding is necessary, but we are quiet alike and never had real problems. He tells me frequently that he loves me.
I know that his ties to the family, especially to his mother are the most important thing to him and I respect that.
In general I am concerned because he does not like to talk about the future. I try sometimes to begin the subject, but I can see that he avoids all answers, so I do not push more and leave it- I try to respect his way and I try to be patient and see where it might go, by observing his actions and behaviour, shortly: I try to read him, a hard task in which I have become quite good at in time (at least I think so).
Reza says that his family knows about me, and I think that is true, but I don't know what they think about me, which is disconcerting, especially since I know how important the family is (Reza, my boyfriend would not say a word of course).
Whenever he saw his family- they gather sometimes in France as they are dispersed all over Europe- he did not contact me at all. For more than weeks. After we discussed that, he now writes messages sometimes, but just informal ones and I feel he is only doing this as a duty...
I once asked if I would meet his family one day and he said that he had already thought about it, but I saw he was feeling uneasy with my questions. Which makes me think that his thinking about it, might not have had a good outcome.
How do I know if I will ever meet his family? Is it normal that Persian men do not talk about the future, is it really hard for them to explain to their family to have a not-Persian girlfriend?
Do I just need more patience?
In the end of the day, my trouble is just that I want to be reassured that this relationship is leading somewhere.
I love my Reza and I just want to know where it is going without being too pushy or doing something that would insult his cultural understanding of how things go...
Please help me! At this stage I'll take any advice I can get.
Thank you in advance!
Best regards,
Michelle
admin replied:
Dear Michelle,
It is not too much to ask your boyfriend about the future after being together for more than a year. You have every right to. His behaviors do show that he is uneasy about moving to a more committed relationship with you. It could be that his family and himself are not OK with inter cultural and interfaith marriages. It could be that he is not ready for marriage yet and therefore he is enjoying his relationship with you at this time, but he at a later time will marry a Persian girl. OR... that he is also feeling the ambivalence and is working it all inside himself. He might enjoy the relationship so much that he could win his internal and external conflict and take stand for himself and choose you for the future. How would you know which one of the above scenario is going on within him, is to directly ask and be ready for whatever the answer would be. If you are OK with allowing the relationship to be the way it is without knowing in the fear of asking and forcing the relationship ending, then that is the choice you need to make.
Overall Authentic straight talk is the best, although Persian culture is not used to that form of communication.
Best Wishes to you and your future
Foojan
posted by Nani on:
12/31/09
talagh
salam dr foojan
man 5 sale ezdevaj kardam , va hamsaram dinesh ba man fargh mikone , man man taze fahmidam che eshtebahe bozorgi kardam chon vaghean mitarsam ke bachedar sham albate ma moshkelate akhlaghi digari ham darim , va inke man vaghen nemidoonam to in zendegi bemoonam ya beram albate hamsaram kheyli mano doosam dare va razi be jodaei nemishe , va hamin baes shode ke tasmimgiri baram sahet beshe ,be nazare shoma chikar bayad bokonam aya ezdevajaye 2 dine mesle man payane khoshi dare ya na? mamnoon misham age javabamo bedid
admin replied:
Dear Nani,
I am sorry to hear that you are not sure what to do regarding your marriage.
Is it really the distinct difference between the religion or not knowing how
to handle the differences. Religion was not an issue when you got together.
Marriage gets tougher as time passes and more skills are needed to recreate
a healthy marriage. My suggestion is to learn skills to resolve your
conflicts and not necessarily attach it to religion. Incase you make the
decision to divorce, do it before having children.
Moteasefam ke motmaen nisti ke ba izdevajet chekar koni. bavar nadaram ke
moshkelat faghat mazhab bashad. ezdevaj moshkel ast va pas az modati
maharathayeh bishtari ra ehtiaj darad ta esdevaj khoob va salemi ra negah
dari. tosieh mikonam ke maharat peida koni ke chetor moshkelat ra hal koni
ta faghat esmeh tafavot mazhab begozari. ba inhal agar mikhahi joda shavi
gabl as bacheh dar shodan in tasmim ra begir.
posted by Ati_m37 on:
12/13/09
Begin again or forget about it?
Hi Foojan,
Please could you give me some advice?
I'm half Iranian and born in the USA. I got married to an Iranian man and after a few years we divorced. The main factor in the breakdown of the marriage was the people around us, primarily my husband's parents and his siblings constantly making problems for us. This is something we both agreed about when getting the divorce. Due to the problems they made it resulted in us constantly arguing. My husband didn't support me at the time because he depended on his parents a lot because he was unemployed at the time. This lead him to not support me or defend me when they openly insulted me and lied about me etc.
My ex and I have been in contact recently and we have discussed the fact that we think it was a mistake and that we shouldn't have divorced because we still love each other and believe that it was because of others, such as his family, that we divorced.
We have said that we will wait to be with each other again but he is scared of his parents. He doesn't want to tell them because even though he is an adult he stil influence his life. He says that he wants to be with me again but is scared of his family's reaction and thinks they will disown him as a son. What should we do? Your advice would be greatly appreciated.
admin replied:
Dear Ati_m37
Hello,
I am sorry to hear that the family involvement has broken your relationship apart instead of being a support for it. I also wonder about your role and your husband's role in creating this uncomfortable situation.
I am also glad that your love for each other is bringing the two of you back toward each other, yet, the problem still stands that your husband's relationship with his family has not grown to an adult to adult relationship and he still acts like a young child in that family.
As long as your husband does not claim his adulthood and take stand for his own independent, you will repeat
the same cycle and this time worst, since the family will take this move as a betrayal toward themselves and will disown him. He must go to his own individual therapy to be able to grow up and out of the family and be individuated before the two of you have any chance together.
Foojan
posted by admin on:
08/21/09
Hi
My name is Rajni Bansal. I am an Indian girl living in Australia. An Iranian girl is sleeping with my husband which has caused quite stress for me and my 3 year daughter. This Iranian girl is just after money and Australian residency. My husband has left me and my daughter and has started living with this girl. I want to get my husband back so can some one help me as this girls family is living in Iran. She has come to Australia by herself. My contact email address is rajniandrajeev@yahoo.com
Thanks
Rajni
admin replied:
Dear Rajni
I am so sorry to hear about this event. You must feel very betrayed at this time and still hear that you want your husband back. Opening a conversation with your husband is important, knowing what did not work in your relationship is important. People don't leave their relationship unless something is not working. This does not mean that you are at fault, but, if we don't look at what did not work, you could not see if you could provide it for him when requesting for him to come back. Is he running awary from home and responsibility for a while or he is gone for ever? Has he had affairs before? Ultimately, it is your husbands responsibility for leaving you and diminishing his responsibilities. You also have to get ready to move on with life if he chooses not to come back to his marriage. The question is not how to kick the girl out, since your husband can do this with many other people. Dialoge, dialoge and dialoge with him to regain some understanding about why he left. Again... I feel your pain of the betrayal and the possibility of raising your daughter alone.
